I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
