Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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