So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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