At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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