My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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