I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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