I am in a vortex of obligation.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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