No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
