Little spoons don't ask big questions
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
