i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
