She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
