I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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