I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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