Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i've created a new STD.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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