got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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