How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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