It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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