you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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