I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
