did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
