if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
