So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
