from now on my penis is your penis
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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