Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
