We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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