So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
