Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
