Pants 0. Shit 1.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
