capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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