Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
