i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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