You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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