one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
