I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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