I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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