Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
