the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
