The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
