My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
