my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
