Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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