That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
