Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
