I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
