i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
