there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
