Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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