I think I died a long time ago.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
