Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
