dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
