i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
