you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
