im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
